Used him up

no I'm not but I'll be alright. It's final I am a divorcee', I am DIVORCED, it's done it's over. I am no longer married, I do not have a husband I am truly single, alone and adrift. I will not say I have no one, I have friends amazing wonderful friends who love me & support me and through all of this I continue to be amazed by their tenderness, generosity & the humor. I have learned many lessons from the, his actions spoke load and clear, you do not date a man for 7 years and remain a secret, the prolonged break ups all the non commitment. In 7 years I wore him down, he got used tot he idea & he gave in. I know he loved me at one time, truly loved me but that was never enough. It's hard not to blame myself, people ask me why or say how stupid he was for leaving me, deserting me. I was a hysterical mess too many times, a drunken idiot too many times. I was too much and he was never enough. I would like to think he was the Knight in shinning armour as he always tried to be for me and his one last act of contrition was falling on his sword so that I could go on to become what I am, the only thing I have ever wanted to be, a mother. I do not think he sacrificed his self though, I think he wanted so badly to make me happy, so overwhelmed and enamoured by what a beautiful mess I truly am that he forgot about his own needs, his own happiness and that what it requires to make him a whole human being. I think I eventually used him up. I loved him so very much and I guess what hurts me the most is that that wasn't enough. I trusted him with my heart, my secrets the ugliness-es I hold inside, he will forever know my secrets. I miss him, I love him and I never want to see him again. I sat aside my pity, my woes when I found out I was pregnant, Encapsulated "this" rarely allowing it to surface pushing it down so that I may enjoy my pregnancy, enjoy the process and work. I set my brave face with pressed powder and lip gloss everyday, going on, getting along and passing the time until I meet my daughter, I will be okay, & I will survive & we will thrive! Me & little Lucy. am I ok, No but I'll be alright.

the bird clock cooed 9 as he pulled out of my driveway.

& I asked him to go home this morning & he did. I woke up looking at the clock it was almost 8 & I laid there looking at the light refractions off the crystal in the window for some time. I keep having the same internal dialogue about wanting him out of my house, "I don't love you", "things are not the same", in the way you obsess about something so much you are afraid you are going to accidentally utter the words in random speech like "could you please pass the ketc-"get the fuck out of my house you pot smoking bastard". I rolled over and he opened his arms for me to cuddle which I did happily going along w/ the motions as I had been doing for a few days now and he said "are you happy" and I said "I don't know",things are not the same" & he said "ya I have noticed" and I know he has, the constant "I Love yous" in the form of a question, the clinginess which only made things worst. He is a good guy, a great guy & I do not know what changed in me but I remember in the beginning low some 29 days ago this intense passion and burning for him the lust and excitement and I knew things were going too fast but I went along for the ride and after 10 days he was like moving in w/ me and my brain said NO and my heart said NO but my fucking mouth said OK and so it was. There was no love it was lust & hormones and the sex was great, amazing and he is sweet & kind and considerate, He called me Beautiful and talked about how amazing i was and how lucky he was to have found me & I just wanted to peel him off like a wet swimsuit & leave him like a figure eight on the bathroom floor. Too much too fast, he smothered me and now he is gone and I am thankful to have my house back, my quiet back and to be alone for the first time in 29 days. He said "I love you" as he was leaving and I said "I wish I could say that & mean it to you but I can't & I wont". I said I want you to go home at 8:05am and the bird clock cooed 9 as he pulled out of my driveway.

just tired & sad & lonely I had me a good cry & a nap. I am thankful I have a roof over my head, food in my cabinets, a job that pays my bills, friends that give a damn and parents who love me no matter what. I am thankful that 2 little fur babies love me unconditionally, that small children think I am great, that I can sit in my backyard & listen to life around me, wind chimes, playing puppies, cars going by, the smell of BBQ and summer evening wafting into my piece of tranquility of only for a moment.

the bratt

Reading back over blogs IU had writtend just after the D-bomb, so sad and broken. Almost exactly 3 months later and I am pregnant and living alone paying my own bills and lonely as hell. I am currently suffering through a double fuck me ouch of a yeast infection and a bladder infection. I can take AZO so at least the bladder infections symptoms are gone but the burning raw itch of my cooch is driving me fucking nuts! I didn't sleep well the night before last so last night I took a whole Benadryl and only had to get up 3 times to pee (thank you bay-buh) but Vanessa woke me up this morning at 5:00 when she dropped of her kids (she brings them in and puts them back to bed) so I had awful nightmares all morning long about my arch nemesis a horrible BRAT named Becca and if I didn't need the money I wouldn't be watching. I have watched her since she is 8months old and she is awful, I hate to say it I know I sound awful when I do but she is a brat she cries all the time especially when she doesn't get her way, to the point she pisses herself & pukes, she is 4 years old. she is manipulative & lies and disrespectful {sigh} and incredibly sweet one on one but in a large group like mine she is the biggest fun sucker, she drained my emotional energy daily. Ok, well there is some soul-ugly for ya!. I was just so struck by my dreams of her, same thing telling her over and over again NO and having her not listen and ask again and again.

why me

Divorce the big D? why me? I loved him desperately, I did I do & I can't. Who he is & what we are are no longer the same. I do not want this, any of this! I want to be married, I want to have a child, I want to be normal, & happy. Instead I am going to be 38, no children divorced unemployed & homeless. It's so hard to feel blessed & to be thankful when I don't want to, I am hurting, I am hurting, I am fucking Angry How could he do this to me. Why did he do this to us. I want to go home, I want to sip coffee from old cups in my mom & Dad's back yard, i want to listen to the flocks of birds steel steed from the feeders, I want to lay on there couch in 2 day old clothes & watch stupid old TV shows & drink in what is my family. Dog hair, & cigarettes & knowing that I am loved always.

so after we have been able to digest this & live with "it" a while cohabitating is a VERY bad idea for both of us, it hurts to much to lay next him and not reach out, to wake up in the morning and realize he didn't kiss me good bye because that isn't his job anymore. My heart hurts but I think it will hurt less without the con

stant reminder of what we are not and will never be again.

a WEED

A WEED:

Broken & bleeding
me and my
heart still weeping for a loss
known & the one which was not allowed to take root
pulled up
threw away like a weed
unwanted
the thriving invader that sneaks in the back door
taking hold
a seed blown upon wishes
upon a child's sigh
carried away by sparrows
the journey still so long to go
& so far traveled
I am weary
I need rest but
but I swirl & buff on my face
a painted on smile
eyes bright
a lie
passes my lips like the breath
to blow wishes into your perfectly manicured yard.