the bird clock cooed 9 as he pulled out of my driveway.

& I asked him to go home this morning & he did. I woke up looking at the clock it was almost 8 & I laid there looking at the light refractions off the crystal in the window for some time. I keep having the same internal dialogue about wanting him out of my house, "I don't love you", "things are not the same", in the way you obsess about something so much you are afraid you are going to accidentally utter the words in random speech like "could you please pass the ketc-"get the fuck out of my house you pot smoking bastard". I rolled over and he opened his arms for me to cuddle which I did happily going along w/ the motions as I had been doing for a few days now and he said "are you happy" and I said "I don't know",things are not the same" & he said "ya I have noticed" and I know he has, the constant "I Love yous" in the form of a question, the clinginess which only made things worst. He is a good guy, a great guy & I do not know what changed in me but I remember in the beginning low some 29 days ago this intense passion and burning for him the lust and excitement and I knew things were going too fast but I went along for the ride and after 10 days he was like moving in w/ me and my brain said NO and my heart said NO but my fucking mouth said OK and so it was. There was no love it was lust & hormones and the sex was great, amazing and he is sweet & kind and considerate, He called me Beautiful and talked about how amazing i was and how lucky he was to have found me & I just wanted to peel him off like a wet swimsuit & leave him like a figure eight on the bathroom floor. Too much too fast, he smothered me and now he is gone and I am thankful to have my house back, my quiet back and to be alone for the first time in 29 days. He said "I love you" as he was leaving and I said "I wish I could say that & mean it to you but I can't & I wont". I said I want you to go home at 8:05am and the bird clock cooed 9 as he pulled out of my driveway.