why me

Divorce the big D? why me? I loved him desperately, I did I do & I can't. Who he is & what we are are no longer the same. I do not want this, any of this! I want to be married, I want to have a child, I want to be normal, & happy. Instead I am going to be 38, no children divorced unemployed & homeless. It's so hard to feel blessed & to be thankful when I don't want to, I am hurting, I am hurting, I am fucking Angry How could he do this to me. Why did he do this to us. I want to go home, I want to sip coffee from old cups in my mom & Dad's back yard, i want to listen to the flocks of birds steel steed from the feeders, I want to lay on there couch in 2 day old clothes & watch stupid old TV shows & drink in what is my family. Dog hair, & cigarettes & knowing that I am loved always.

so after we have been able to digest this & live with "it" a while cohabitating is a VERY bad idea for both of us, it hurts to much to lay next him and not reach out, to wake up in the morning and realize he didn't kiss me good bye because that isn't his job anymore. My heart hurts but I think it will hurt less without the con

stant reminder of what we are not and will never be again.

a WEED

A WEED:

Broken & bleeding
me and my
heart still weeping for a loss
known & the one which was not allowed to take root
pulled up
threw away like a weed
unwanted
the thriving invader that sneaks in the back door
taking hold
a seed blown upon wishes
upon a child's sigh
carried away by sparrows
the journey still so long to go
& so far traveled
I am weary
I need rest but
but I swirl & buff on my face
a painted on smile
eyes bright
a lie
passes my lips like the breath
to blow wishes into your perfectly manicured yard.

you killed it.

38 years old, married, childless and unhappy today. Unhappy perhaps doesn't actually give meaning to how I feel, I have a deep sadness in my heart, a hole torn there by the one person in my life I least expected or maybe not? I am lost, adrift, regretful, resentful & mad as hell! We will be married 4 years in July, if we make it that far. For now I have decided I need to take care of me, I need to focus on me and my life, to make no changes, & no major decisions until I have some distance. I wish I could drink & smoke but I can do neither, I sit and I think & I cry and pet my weiner dogs. I plot, I plan, & I have length discussions in my head: with myself, with him, with no one. He took her from me. He allowed me to hope, he allowed me to meet her, love her, hold her & envision a life in which she would be mine & then in one fell swoop he took her from me. What he did was so cruel, so hurtful I have a hard time understand how the man I loved could do this to me. My only dream in life is to be a parent, to hear "mommy" & know it was me being summoned. My dream is dead he killed it & I think he killed "us". and worst of all I think he did it on purpose.