no I'm not but I'll be alright. It's final I am a divorcee', I am DIVORCED, it's done it's over. I am no longer married, I do not have a husband I am truly single, alone and adrift. I will not say I have no one, I have friends amazing wonderful friends who love me & support me and through all of this I continue to be amazed by their tenderness, generosity & the humor. I have learned many lessons from the, his actions spoke load and clear, you do not date a man for 7 years and remain a secret, the prolonged break ups all the non commitment. In 7 years I wore him down, he got used tot he idea & he gave in. I know he loved me at one time, truly loved me but that was never enough. It's hard not to blame myself, people ask me why or say how stupid he was for leaving me, deserting me. I was a hysterical mess too many times, a drunken idiot too many times. I was too much and he was never enough. I would like to think he was the Knight in shinning armour as he always tried to be for me and his one last act of contrition was falling on his sword so that I could go on to become what I am, the only thing I have ever wanted to be, a mother. I do not think he sacrificed his self though, I think he wanted so badly to make me happy, so overwhelmed and enamoured by what a beautiful mess I truly am that he forgot about his own needs, his own happiness and that what it requires to make him a whole human being. I think I eventually used him up. I loved him so very much and I guess what hurts me the most is that that wasn't enough. I trusted him with my heart, my secrets the ugliness-es I hold inside, he will forever know my secrets. I miss him, I love him and I never want to see him again. I sat aside my pity, my woes when I found out I was pregnant, Encapsulated "this" rarely allowing it to surface pushing it down so that I may enjoy my pregnancy, enjoy the process and work. I set my brave face with pressed powder and lip gloss everyday, going on, getting along and passing the time until I meet my daughter, I will be okay, & I will survive & we will thrive! Me & little Lucy. am I ok, No but I'll be alright.
