Ok so I am so done w/ taking trazadone, I just can't get going in the morning & I spend the first half of the day trying to wake up & clear my head. I hate this feeling, at least when I wasn't sleeping as much I could & would get up in the morning. I can't get my butt moving to go walk & despite the amount of caffein I consume I still can & will go back to sleep. Lack of energy leads to more depression & guilt for me as well as a 5lb weight gain last week, I am just so done & I am so tired...UGH!!!!!!.

already imbalanced enough

I have been reading the fertility for Dummies book, cuse I feel like a dummy...lol :-) My DH & I have been TTC for almost 3 years now, we have secondary infertility & I am 5'7" and currently 300lbs although my OB has NEVER said "it's my weight" I can't help but hate me for not looking in fact I have been gaining :-(( Really to t he point of self loathing. I am on Zoloft which is safe for TTC & or pregnancy as well as Trazodone (which I think I am going to discontinue since major side effect is weight gain) as well as a BP med used to treat anxiety. I have been useing Femara untill this last cycle & we used Clomid, I was initial afraid to use clomid since the major side effect is mood imbalances ( & I am already imbalanced enough) but I didn't think it was that bad & Femmera gives me a 6 day migraine headache. We have had 3 failed IUIs & have been useing a known donor to supply our baby batter, he is my best friends husband & I love them for doing this for us. I also suffer from Hypothyroidism which is testing in normal ranges as well as diabetes treated w/ Metformin & my blood sugars are also testing normal w/ excellent A1c levels. Doctor says she wants us to try for 5 consecutive cycles before we do something else, no idea what the next step is but I am miserable :-( That is my How am I doing.......

already imbalanced enough

I have been reading the fertility for Dummies book, cuse I feel like a dummy...lol :-) My DH & I have been TTC for almost 3 years now, we have secondary infertility & I am 5'7" and currently 300lbs although my OB has NEVER said "it's my weight" I can't help but hate me for not looking in fact I have been gaining :-(( Really to t he point of self loathing. I am on Zoloft which is safe for TTC & or pregnancy as well as Trazodone (which I think I am going to discontinue since major side effect is weight gain) as well as a BP med used to treat anxiety. I have been useing Femara untill this last cycle & we used Clomid, I was initial afraid to use clomid since the major side effect is mood imbalances ( & I am already imbalanced enough) but I didn't think it was that bad & Femmera gives me a 6 day migraine headache. We have had 3 failed IUIs & have been useing a known donor to supply our baby batter, he is my best friends husband & I love them for doing this for us. I also suffer from Hypothyroidism which is testing in normal ranges as well as diabetes treated w/ Metformin & my blood sugars are also testing normal w/ excellent A1c levels. Doctor says she wants us to try for 5 consecutive cycles before we do something else, no idea what the next step is but I am miserable :-( That is my How am I doing.......

hate me today.

I am feeling sad & fat & tired today. I weighed myself this morning & it said I was down but I do not feel like I weigh less I feel fat & bloated & my [ants do not fit right. I hate me today.

tradzodone

I think yesterday really helped, I am still struggling w/ anxiety & a headache but certainly more manageable than it has been, Doctor upped my dose of anti depressants to 200mg (Zoloft) & added Guanfacine 2mg tabs for anxiety as well as gave me Trazodone 50mg to be taken at night all are okay to take while trying to conceive or once pregnant. I am kinda scared to take the trazodone so I am not starting that one till the weekend so I will know how it will effect me during the day. My current issue is I wake up at 4am when DHs alarm goes off & because I am so wound up I can't go back to sleep, & about now(pm) I am just exhausted & I could take a nap w/ the kids but often times I do not actually sleep & I feel more anxious & just out of it once nap time is over......

ruby slippers

I wanted a place where no one would no me, know my name or who I am. complete anonymity to be rid of the ugliness inside of me, where I can be completely inane boring & brutally honest. spewing forth the ugliness inside me getting rid of my bottled up cancer, the blackness inside me. Who am I? a question asked to one self, by others by police by whom ever. I am a 37 year old childless women who runs a daycare. I am married & bisexual, I am a highly sexual human being married to a man w/ low testosterone meaning he doesn't need "it" or want "it" very often. This leaves me deeply deprived. lonely & horny. I love him w/ all my might & & I am deeply committed to him & my vows to him. He is my best friend, he knows me better than most but maybe not as much as he thinks he does. Today is the first day of my "blog" I have blogged before sure on myspace but everyone who knows me uses that site & everyone stopped useing it when facebook gained all it's popularity. I feel stifled by facebook, all of my days were parents & quote unquote my best friend uses facebook, my best friend who is in fact one of my daycare parents. I feel I can't be honest w/ anyone, no one single person. I love my husband but he is a man & he wants to fix me, fix it, fix this & to fail leaves him powerless & feeling inadequate, my BFF know of me what I show her but today a "mental health day" I am her daycare provider & I let her know I had a migraine & wasn't available this is not true the truth is that I am the Lil dutch boy, my damn is busted & I have no more fingers to poke the holes. MY soul spills out over the cracks in my personality. People love me, I am funny & "Fab-a-loss" as I say, I am loud & fat & obnoxious, I am funny & friendly & people are constantly drawn to my "light" I am friendly not "friends" w/ most. I feel so all alone sometimes, no one to confide in & tired of my own fucking whining. I wish I could take a pill, click my heals together or say some enhancement to make me ok, ok w/ whom I am & my position in this world but I have tried all that & nothing works. I am sad & lost, exhausted yet slightly excited by my day off, I need a re-charge, I need time alone, I want to put my "house" in order & I want some fish sticks for lunch.