you killed it.

38 years old, married, childless and unhappy today. Unhappy perhaps doesn't actually give meaning to how I feel, I have a deep sadness in my heart, a hole torn there by the one person in my life I least expected or maybe not? I am lost, adrift, regretful, resentful & mad as hell! We will be married 4 years in July, if we make it that far. For now I have decided I need to take care of me, I need to focus on me and my life, to make no changes, & no major decisions until I have some distance. I wish I could drink & smoke but I can do neither, I sit and I think & I cry and pet my weiner dogs. I plot, I plan, & I have length discussions in my head: with myself, with him, with no one. He took her from me. He allowed me to hope, he allowed me to meet her, love her, hold her & envision a life in which she would be mine & then in one fell swoop he took her from me. What he did was so cruel, so hurtful I have a hard time understand how the man I loved could do this to me. My only dream in life is to be a parent, to hear "mommy" & know it was me being summoned. My dream is dead he killed it & I think he killed "us". and worst of all I think he did it on purpose.