ruby slippers

I wanted a place where no one would no me, know my name or who I am. complete anonymity to be rid of the ugliness inside of me, where I can be completely inane boring & brutally honest. spewing forth the ugliness inside me getting rid of my bottled up cancer, the blackness inside me. Who am I? a question asked to one self, by others by police by whom ever. I am a 37 year old childless women who runs a daycare. I am married & bisexual, I am a highly sexual human being married to a man w/ low testosterone meaning he doesn't need "it" or want "it" very often. This leaves me deeply deprived. lonely & horny. I love him w/ all my might & & I am deeply committed to him & my vows to him. He is my best friend, he knows me better than most but maybe not as much as he thinks he does. Today is the first day of my "blog" I have blogged before sure on myspace but everyone who knows me uses that site & everyone stopped useing it when facebook gained all it's popularity. I feel stifled by facebook, all of my days were parents & quote unquote my best friend uses facebook, my best friend who is in fact one of my daycare parents. I feel I can't be honest w/ anyone, no one single person. I love my husband but he is a man & he wants to fix me, fix it, fix this & to fail leaves him powerless & feeling inadequate, my BFF know of me what I show her but today a "mental health day" I am her daycare provider & I let her know I had a migraine & wasn't available this is not true the truth is that I am the Lil dutch boy, my damn is busted & I have no more fingers to poke the holes. MY soul spills out over the cracks in my personality. People love me, I am funny & "Fab-a-loss" as I say, I am loud & fat & obnoxious, I am funny & friendly & people are constantly drawn to my "light" I am friendly not "friends" w/ most. I feel so all alone sometimes, no one to confide in & tired of my own fucking whining. I wish I could take a pill, click my heals together or say some enhancement to make me ok, ok w/ whom I am & my position in this world but I have tried all that & nothing works. I am sad & lost, exhausted yet slightly excited by my day off, I need a re-charge, I need time alone, I want to put my "house" in order & I want some fish sticks for lunch.